Some people were not able to share the last article about mental health so I have set up a Twitter account for just this reason. The account is @pill_taker and it is an open account. All blog articles are publicised on there. Please feel free to share the articles with your followers or friends. I think I have also enabled the ’email this’ button if you are wanting to email it to someone.
So, after a long think I have decided to reveal a bit more about my Mental Health battle. The support I had from the previous article was overwhelming and I felt that some may wish to know more. My Mental Health battle has been ongoing for 22 years, it is still fighting. I am still fighting.
I am going to tell you some of the issues I have faced since I was 18 years old. There will be mentions of suicide and behaviour I am far from proud of. If anything you read causes distress or upset I apologise profusely.
It took me a lot of courage to write the previous Mental Health blog at the weekend. This, in all honesty, was I think harder as it is more recent and therefore fresher in one’s memory.
Those who know me know what a stresshead I am. I get stressed so easily over the smallest of things whether it be the computer not shutting down fast enough or the queue in a supermarket being on a go slow. I am an incredibly impatient person as well. Others will calm down after a few minutes but I seem to hold on to it for longer, much longer. The reason little things stress me out is because I do have a lot of major stresses in life – health; money and family to name but a few. Stress just never seems to go away for me. I try to use different coping mechanisms like meditation or listening to music as loudly as possible. I will do my best to block it out particularly at night-time when my head is swimming with the sharks of stress. Obviously when am stressed the trichotillomania appears in force, for some reason it helps a little. I also, as soon as am stressed, have to smoke a cigarette. Ridiculous isn’t it?
I used to use something else as a ‘coping’ mechanism. It began in my late teens when I discovered nightclubs and raves, yes I was a fluffy booter! I thought by doing it I would be able to forget the past and seek refuge in the ‘coping’ mechanism. My work never suffered at the time even when I would come still under the influence of it after 2 hours sleep. I used to be able to drink a Marine; a police officer and a Sailor under the table. That’s right, the ‘coping’ mechanism I am referring to is ALCOHOL. I would turn to it 7 days a week sometimes. Then something I am not going to go into happened. I had to leave where I was and give up everything I had. Soon I was to be diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, or PTSD for short. Alcohol soon became my crutch, at my worst I was drinking 2 litres of vodka a day and picking the bottle up to have a drink with breakfast was probably a bit of a warning siren. I sought help, took some pills that stopped me drinking and became sober. I have been sober for over 6 years now. I am lucky in the fact I am able to just have a miniature bottle of wine on Christmas Day and not want more. I have also been tipsy a couple of times but because I know when, and how, to stop I have been okay.
I will never turn back to ALCOHOLISM again, it does not solve my problems and it does not stop the problems.
Between 14 and 28 I tried to take my life far too many times, once is more than enough! My life is far from, and will never be, perfect. I am riddled with diseases various. I have to take incredibly strong painkillers in order to get through the day. I fart like any normal Crohns sufferer. I burp like a man. I snore like a trooper. I come from a broken home. I have a mother that will tell me she loves me in one breath then make me out to the worst daughter ever in the next. I have a father who cannot keep his dangly bits to himself. I am jealous of my incredibly talented, intelligent and beautiful sister. I have some ridiculous habits. I have to know what is happening in advance. I am so not an impulsive person.
I am me. I have battled depression; alcoholism; PTSD and bulimia. Yet, I am still alive despite everything. I do not know what my future holds. I don’t, to be brutally honest, want to know despite needing to know what is happening.
Clinical depression is like a Civil War in your head. To deal with it you can use your ammunition (medication), your nuclear warfare (therapy) or even your troops (friends and family). Whatever you use it is possible to maintain some sort of ceasefire. It takes some work but once the muddiness disappears life will be a whole lot better.
Do not let depression, or any mental illness, consume you. It is not worth it. Trust me.
Thank you for reading and if you have any questions or comments please feel free to ask.